Holidays, Families, and Your First Season as a Couple

Thanksgiving is coming up soon in the United States, and a lot of us are excited for the holidays. I love spending this time with my children and grandchildren, watching the Detroit Lions, and sharing good food.

Thanksgiving and Christmas can also come with some tough family moments. Every family faces its own challenges, and honestly, a little dysfunction is normal. Families are made up of people, after all. We all try to balance work, time with our partner or kids, and time with our extended family or the family we grew up with.

You might be successful in business, the military, or ministry. Maybe you have a lot of responsibility, degrees, and people who count on you. But when you go home for the holidays, you might suddenly feel like the oldest, the youngest, the baby, the middle child, the quiet one, the dramatic one, the responsible one, or even like everyone still sees you as a middle schooler.

It might feel strange, but that’s how families work.

For engaged and married couples, the holidays are a great time to make memories and start new traditions. But they can also bring stress, misunderstandings, old family habits, and surprises. If this is your first holiday season together, things will feel different. Even if you love both families and everyone gets along, the season can still bring new challenges for your relationship.

1. Where will you go?

2. How long will you stay?

3. Whose traditions will you keep?

4. What happens when both families expect the same day?

5. What topics are safe around the table?

6. What should your spouse know before walking into the room?

All these questions are simply part of learning how to navigate life together as a couple.

Be Honest About Family Dynamics

The first step is to admit there might be challenges. Just saying, “Everything will be fine,” isn’t always the best way. Things might work out, and hopefully they do, but couples do better when they prepare honestly.

Every family has its own culture. Some families are loud. Some are quiet. Some tease constantly. Some avoid direct conversation. Some talk about politics before the turkey is carved. Some use sarcasm as a love language. Some pray before meals. Some drink too much. Some tell the same stories every year. Some have old wounds sitting just under the surface.

When you bring your fiancé or spouse to a family gathering, you’re not just inviting them to dinner. You’re bringing them into a whole family system that you know well because you grew up in it. Your spouse doesn’t have that background.

That’s why you need to help translate.

You might understand your family’s inside jokes, old stories, facial expressions, and tricky conversations, but your spouse might not. They could be wondering, “Is your uncle serious or joking?” or “Why didn’t you ever tell me that story before?” or “Is everyone okay, or is this just how your family talks?” Don’t leave your spouse to figure it all out on the spot. Give them a heads-up before you go in.

Talk Before You Go

Couples should talk before the family event, not just afterward in the car when someone is already hurt, embarrassed, or frustrated. Before Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, or the big family gathering, make time to talk about expectations, values, and boundaries.

Ask each other questions like: What traditions matter most to you? What do you hope we get to experience this year? What are you worried about? What topics should we avoid? Is there anyone I should know about before I meet them? How will we know when it’s time to leave? What do you need from me if things get stressful? Talking about these things helps you get on the same page before the pressure starts.

Some family situations can feel like pressure cookers. Politics, parenting advice, money, questions about kids, religion, alcohol, divorce, old conflicts, and unwanted opinions can all come up quickly during the holidays. It’s your job to help your partner avoid getting caught in tough conversations. You’re also responsible for protecting your relationship if someone tries to pull your spouse into one.

A couple can even come up with a discreet signal or phrase that means, “I need help,” “Please change the subject,” or “It is time to go.” It might sound dramatic, but it can be a thoughtful way to stay connected without making a scene.

Become a United Front

Once you realize this year will be different, commit to communicating and working together as a couple. The holidays are often one of the first times engaged and newly married couples see that they can’t just keep doing everything the way their families always have. Marriage creates a new household.

That does not mean you stop loving your extended family. It means your primary relationship has changed. You are learning how to honor your families while also becoming a family together.

This is where the “united front” matters. A united front does not mean you become rude, rigid, or dismissive of your parents, grandparents, siblings, or in-laws. It means you and your spouse talk privately, decide together, and support one another publicly. If there is a hard decision to communicate, each person should usually take the lead with their own family. That is an act of love.

Do not make your spouse carry the weight of disappointing your parents. Do not leave your fiancé alone in a conversation where they are trying to explain a decision the two of you made together. Stand beside each other. Speak with kindness. Keep your promises to one another.

The holidays can reveal whether a couple is still operating as two separate individuals trying to please two separate families, or whether they are learning to move as one couple.

Discuss Traditions Before You Experience Them

Traditions carry emotion. That is what makes them beautiful and what makes them complicated.

One family opens gifts on Christmas Eve. Another opens them Christmas morning. One family has a formal Thanksgiving dinner. Another eats in shifts while the game is on. One family goes to church on Christmas Eve. Another family watches movies in pajamas. One family expects everyone to be present from morning until night. Another family comes and goes.

If you wait until the day arrives to discover that both families expect the same time slot, the conversation will be harder than it needs to be.

Talk through traditions ahead of time. Decide which traditions matter most. Ask whether some traditions can be blended instead of choosing one family over the other. You may keep some from each side. You may alternate years. You may split the day. You may create an entirely new tradition together. That last option takes courage, but it can be beautiful. Every family tradition started somewhere. Some of yours can start now.

Prioritize Your Relationship

Above all, prioritize your relationship.

First, prioritize it in the moment. You love your family, but remember who you are getting in the car with at the end of the night. If your spouse is uncomfortable, pay attention. If your fiancé is overwhelmed, notice it; if a joke goes too far, help. If the conversation turns painful, step in. If the day needs to end, leave with grace.

Second, prioritize your relationship throughout the season. Before and after family events, carve out time for just the two of you. I am a huge advocate for date night. The basic principle of my Date Challenge is simple: go on a date once a week. That should not be pushed aside during the holidays. If anything, the busier the season becomes, the more you need intentional time together.

Your marriage is your primary relationship. Your extended family matters. Your parents matter. Your siblings matter. Your grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and in-laws matter. But marriage means your primary human relationship has shifted. The holidays are one of the first places that shift becomes practical.

Practice Gratitude and Patience

The holiday season encourages us to practice gratitude and patience. The familiar phrase “the reason for the season” may be cliché, but there is still truth in it. Peace on earth and goodwill toward others should probably apply to the people gathered around our tables too.

Focus on the positives as a couple, even if the season does not go perfectly. Try to show grace to each other and to your families. Laugh when you can. Let small things be small. Talk about hard things at the right time. Create space for rest. Remember that one awkward dinner does not have to define the whole season.

For engaged or newly married couples, the first holiday season is a learning experience. You are learning your spouse’s family. Your spouse is learning yours. You are learning which traditions feel life-giving and which ones feel heavy. You are learning how to communicate, compromise, protect, and build something new together.

Even the Bible Is Full of Complicated Families

If there is any comfort, the Bible is full of complicated families.

If there is any comfort, the Bible is full of dysfunctional families. And nonetheless, Jesus. Most of the time, when he encountered his relatives during his ministry, it was awkward. Once, when he visited his hometown in Nazareth, he was asked to read in the synagogue. They were so angry after what he said that the whole town tried to throw him off a cliff ( Luke 4:16-30). How is that for a family reunion?

The Christmas story itself begins in the middle of family questions, social pressure, and relational strain. An angel announces to Mary that she will give birth to Jesus. Mary is betrothed to Joseph, and Joseph knows the child is not his. Matthew tells us Joseph was a righteous man and planned to put Mary away quietly until an angel appeared to him in a dream and told him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife. That is a lot of family tension before the first Christmas.

Then Joseph and Mary travel to Bethlehem because of the census. Bethlehem is connected to Joseph’s family line, which raises an interesting question. If Joseph had relatives in the area, why were Mary and Joseph left searching for a place to stay? The text does not give us all the details, so we should be careful about claiming more than we know. But it is not hard to imagine that Mary’s pregnancy and their unusual story may have created whispers, distance, and awkward family dynamics.

The nativity scenes we display are beautiful, but the real story includes stress, travel, uncertainty, family questions, and a young couple trying to obey God in the middle of circumstances they did not fully understand. That is part of the hope of Christmas.

Jesus did not enter a perfect family system untouched by strain, pressure, misunderstanding, or pain. He came into the real world, where families are complicated, people misunderstand one another, and obedience sometimes looks confusing from the outside.

So if your family gathering is a little awkward, or the holidays reveal tension, you are not alone. If you and your spouse are trying to honor your families while building your own home, you’re not alone. That’s good news for real families, even the complicated ones.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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