Do Not Be a Phubber: Phones, Marriage, and Presence

It’s late April 2020 as I write this. We’ve spent weeks in the coronavirus pandemic, facing more social distancing, slow reopenings, and shelter-in-place orders, with no clear end in sight.

Lately, I’ve struggled with how much time I spend on my smartphone. I’m often tempted to use it more than I should. I check the news, scroll through Facebook, and play Words with Friends against family and friends. When you’re stuck at home, it’s easy to reach for your phone all the time.

I’m quick to call out my kids when their screen time goes up, but then I check my own numbers and want to change the topic. I’m not the only one. During the pandemic, smartphone and media use have gone up. Statista shared survey data showing that people spent more time on devices at home in the early months of the outbreak. It makes sense: we’re home more, feeling anxious or bored, and trying to work, parent, connect, and stay entertained and informed, all from the same glowing screen.

But it’s not just about how much we use our phones. It’s also about how our phone habits affect the people right next to us.

For the past few years, I’ve used a tool called SYMBIS—Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts—for premarital counseling. It looks at things like personality, communication, money, family background, and attitudes toward marriage. The detailed report often reveals important issues, but sometimes it also points out funny or quirky habits.

Early in the report, there’s a section called “Flags.” These are issues or topics for the couple to discuss. Sometimes they’re big issues from the past or present, or hot topics the couple needs to address. But there’s one flag that almost always sparks an interesting conversation.

The flag is called “Annoying Habit.”

The assessment doesn’t say what the habit is; it just lists it as an annoying habit. When we reach that part, I usually ask, “What’s the annoying habit? And do you want to share it with your partner?” Some of the answers have been pretty funny.

One time, a wife explained that her husband would leave his underwear on the sink. The husband sheepishly confessed and owned his transgression. “I know, I know,” he said. “I just forget.”

The wife was forgiving and kind, but I was puzzled. I could understand underwear on the bathroom floor, bedroom floor, closet, or even in the bed—but on the sink? And often enough for it to be a habit? It was a funny moment in an otherwise serious session. More often than not, however, the annoying habit is about the phone.

Specifically, it is often about the guy and his smartphone. This one comes up more than almost any other habit. What is interesting is that, in conversations with the couple, it does not usually seem that the guy uses the phone dramatically more than the girl does. The usual description is something like this: he does not care how much time she spends on her phone, but she cares how much time he spends on his. That may not be true for every couple, but I have heard some version of it many times.

Once I started seeing this pattern in couples, I began to see it in my own life. I am guilty of this habit too. My wife is a social media person. She stays connected to friends and family on Facebook. She posts events and livestreams from our church. She comments on what people are saying. In general, she keeps me in the know.

If she is on her phone while we are talking, it does not usually bother me. But if I am on my phone, she notices right away. And she is not wrong.

There is something about the phone that pulls us away from the room we are in. We pick it up without thinking. We check notifications. We open the same app we just closed. We look for good news, a funny post, a response, a distraction, a score, a headline, or just something to do with our hands.

The last time I checked my phone, it did not offer much. But maybe if I check again, I will find something meaningful. That is how the habit works. The problem is that our spouses can feel the shift. They can tell when our bodies are in the room, but our attention has left.

Excessive Phone Usage Can Hurt Relationship Satisfaction

A few years before the pandemic, the Gottman Institute published an article about how smartphones can sabotage relationships. The basic idea is simple: excessive device usage can become a barrier to quality communication and can leave partners feeling ignored or unimportant. Researchers Meredith David and James Roberts also studied what they called “partner phubbing.” The word phubbing combines “phone” and “snubbing.” Partner phubbing refers to the extent to which someone uses or is distracted by a cell phone while in the company of a romantic partner. So if you did not know what to call it besides annoying, now you have a new term: Phubbing.

In their study, Roberts and David found that partner phubbing was connected to cell-phone conflict and lower relationship satisfaction. In other words, the phone is not always neutral. It can become a source of conflict. It can make a spouse feel ignored. It can quietly communicate, “This screen has my attention, and you do not.”

Phones aren’t the enemy; they’re incredibly useful. During the pandemic, they’ve helped us stay connected, worship online, work from home, check on family, order groceries, attend meetings, and keep life somewhat normal. The real issue is whether our phones are replacing real presence.

So How Can We Avoid Being a Phubber?

First, set “no-device” times. In our house, we have a simple rule: no phones at the table, whether we’re eating at home or out. The goal isn’t to be strict—it’s to protect time where the people in front of us matter more than any notification.

Second, try keeping phones out of the bed. Some couples leave their phones outside the bedroom or at least away from the bed. Bedtime doesn’t need to turn into another scrolling session. If you’re in bed together, it shouldn’t feel like you’re sharing the room with every app and everyone you know.

Third, say good morning to your spouse before your phone. It sounds simple, but simple things matter. Before checking the news, email, or social media, notice the person next to you.

Fourth, protect your conversations. When you’re talking with your spouse, don’t let your phone become the third wheel. If your spouse is speaking, be present. Listen, look up, and put the screen down.

Every time we pick up our phones, we choose where our attention goes. Annoying habits come and go, but if our devices start to take time, affection, and awareness from those we love most, the habit becomes a real problem.

The best gift we can give our spouses, our families, and even ourselves is not a perfectly clean digital record. It is undivided attention.

Your phone can wait. Your loved ones should not have to.

So here is a simple challenge for this week. Try just one of the four steps. Put the phones away at meals. Leave the phone out of the bedroom. Greet your spouse before you greet your screen. Keep one conversation phone-free.

Then pay attention to what happens. One small change may help you reclaim presence and deepen connection.

Do not be a phubber.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Image: Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Image: Photo by Vera Arsic