The Blueprint for Engagement Season
Romans 12: A Blueprint for Marriage
A key element of a traditional Christian wedding is the Scripture reading.
In a cathedral or a predominantly Catholic ceremony, there may be several readings. There might be an Old Testament reading, a Psalm reading, a New Testament reading, and a Gospel reading, with the words of Jesus offered as a blessing for the moment and a charge to the couple as they move forward. In many Protestant ceremonies, there may be one primary Scripture reading that frames the message and gives the couple a biblical foundation for the vows they are about to make.
The Scripture reading can be meaningful to couples even when they are not particularly religious. It still carries weight. It says something about the moment. It says something about the values of the couple, their families, or the tradition surrounding them. At the very least, it gives the ceremony a sense of seriousness and beauty that reaches beyond the couple’s own words.
One of the most popular wedding readings is 1 Corinthians 13. If you have been to a wedding, you have probably heard it. It is known as The Love Chapter and begins, “Love is Patient, love is Kind…” It is a classic reading and should be read and recited often. When I get frustrated with anyone close to me, I begin muttering under my breath and shaking my head, “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not rude, it doesn’t keep a record of wrongs…” While it can be a daily prayer and a perfect reading for a wedding, it may be more appropriate for a couple teaming up to assemble an IKEA piece of furniture or maybe heading to the relatives’ house for Thanksgiving.
In my search for relevant readings, I discovered other options. The Apostle Paul's words in the book of Romans provide a relevant guide for relating to others, which can serve as a blueprint for marriage. In Romans, chapter 12:9-13, Paul's advice is particularly engaging:
Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in times of trouble and never stop praying. Take care of God's needy people and welcome strangers into your home. (NRSV)
As much as I love 1 Corinthians 13, I have also tried to give couples other choices. One of the readings I return to again and again is Romans 12:9–13. The Apostle Paul is writing about how Christians should live with one another, but when these words are applied to marriage, they become a practical blueprint for building a life together.
A blueprint is not the house. It is the plan for the house. It shows the structure, the direction, the measurements, and the intention behind what is being built. Marriage works the same way. A wedding begins the public covenant, but the marriage still has to be built. Romans 12 gives couples a beautiful plan for that work.
Let Love be Genuine.
Paul begins with genuine love.
Not all love is the same. Early love can be exciting, romantic, emotional, and intense. It can make everything feel clear before anything has really been tested. A couple can have chemistry, attraction, fun, and excitement, and still need time to discover whether the love underneath it is strong enough for marriage.
In just a few phrases, Paul uses three different words for love. He first uses the Greek word agape, the highest form of love in the Bible. This love is genuine, meaning it is selfless and sacrificial, putting the other person's needs above your own. When I first meet with a couple, I ask them to describe their journey, and I listen for certain elements.
· Time. Genuine love is not a quick infatuation, but a strong, patient process that takes time to develop. It is unfeigned, authentic. In general, I like to see couples together for two or more years before they get married. This patience is a testament to the depth and authenticity of their love.
· Tested. Has the couple gone through anything difficult together? Have they experienced stress, disappointment, family pressure, financial tension, distance, grief, conflict, or a major decision? The relationship does not need to be marked by constant hardship, but love that has never been tested is still mostly theoretical.
· Confirmation. Do the people who love them see what they see? Early love can be hard to evaluate from inside the relationship. Others see real love. The couple sees early love. Others tend to say, “Settle down, it’s only been a few weeks. Let’s see what it is after six months.”
·Unique. Real love feels different than other relationships. This relationship has stood the test of time and has been evaluated through experience. If this relationship feels like all your other relationships, maybe you should pause for a moment.
Real love feels different than other relationships.
Hate What is Evil, Hold Fast to What is Good
That language sounds epic, almost like a movie battle between good and evil. Marriage preparation speaks directly to values. What is good? What is bad? A couple needs to have clarity on issues such as religion, health, finances/debt, intimacy, boundaries, relationships with family, and conflict resolution.
Every couple has values, whether they have named them or not. Some values are spoken clearly. Others are inherited from family, absorbed from culture, or revealed by behavior. A couple may say they value generosity, but their spending patterns may tell another story. They may say they value family, but they may not agree on how much access extended family should have. They may say they value faith, but they may have very different expectations about church, prayer, children, and spiritual leadership.
Romans 12 calls couples to hold fast to what is good. That means a couple should name what is good before life starts pulling them in different directions. What kind of marriage are we building? What do we want our home to feel like? What will we protect? What will we avoid? What will we not allow to take root in our relationship?
Love One Another With Mutual Affection.
There are two more words for love. The first, Philostorgos, signifies tender, close affection. The second, Philadelphos, denotes brotherly or family love—a love that operates as a team with a common goal. Paul uses the language of affection and family love. This is tender, close, committed love. It is the kind of love that moves a couple from “I” to “we.”
There are three major stages in a relationship: dating, engagement, and marriage. In the beginning, people naturally talk with personal pronouns. I like her. I think he is cute. I can see myself with this person. I have never felt this way before. I want to be with him. I want to be with her.
That is natural. Early love is full of personal excitement. Attraction is high. Romantic feeling is strong. The other person seems wonderful, and the relationship feels full of possibility.
In the initial stages of a relationship, a chemical called Oxytocin plays a role. Michele Solis explains, “Oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, activates feelings of trust and attraction between people when it is released in the brain, and it rises in the early stages of romantic love.”[1] This is the high-romantic-love phase, and it lasts about six months. The person you met is perfect; there are no issues.
Eventually, the Oxytocin wears off, and more than just physical attraction or romantic feelings are needed to bind the couple together. The “I” needs to become a “we.” The two need to become “one.” While physical attraction is always important, the idea of partnership or mutual love needs to begin taking shape. In the most basic terms, marriage is the union of two companies. We are in love, sharing affection, and all of that, but we are also joining families, assets, debts, and most importantly, a common life goal. If these bonds do not develop, then the couple usually doesn’t make it.
The “I” needs to become a “we.”
When a couple moves from “I” to “we,” there is a shift. It is no longer only, “I am going to this school,” or “I am taking this job,” or “I am moving to this state.” The conversation becomes, “What are we doing?” and “How does this affect us?” Some of the most beautiful marriage stories begin when a couple moves because one of them has a great opportunity, and they realize they are taking that opportunity together.
Mutual affection becomes a “we.” It is the recognition that the wedding is not the end of a journey, but the beginning of a life together. Mutual affection does not necessarily mean equal or fair, as seen in relationships between roommates or business partners. Mutual affection is becoming one, a joyous union that brings hope and happiness.
Outdo One Another in Showing Honor.
This is my favorite line in the passage.
Paul challenges believers to outdo one another in showing honor. Jesus and Paul both use many “one another” commands: love one another, serve one another, forgive one another, submit to one another, encourage one another. In marriage, this becomes a daily way of life.
Outdo one another in honor.
That can almost be framed as a game. Who can love the other person more? Who can serve first? Who can notice the other person’s needs? Who can speak with greater kindness? Who can show appreciation more freely? Who can make the other person feel valued, protected, respected, and cherished?
Your daily goal is to out-love and out-honor your spouse.
In addition to officiating weddings, I also do marriage counseling. When engaged couples come in, they are usually in a hopeful place. They are looking forward to the future. When couples come in for marriage counseling, the atmosphere is often different. One or both may not want to be there. They may be tired, hurt, defensive, or discouraged.
Every couple is unique, but struggling couples often start playing the wrong game. They are no longer trying to outdo each other in honor. They are playing “I will change if you change.” They are playing “I will keep track of everything you have done.” They are playing “This is all your mother’s fault.” They are playing games that keep score, assign blame, and protect pride.
It is much easier to learn the Out Love and Out Honor game during engagement. It is much harder to start eight years into a marriage after resentment has taken root.
Do Not Lag in Zeal, Be Ardent in Spirit,
Do not lag in zeal means do not let life wear you out.
That is easier to say than to live. Engagement itself can wear couples out. Unless one or both of you is a professional event coordinator, most engaged couples are not ready for the amount of time, energy, and decision-making it takes to plan a wedding. Venues, dresses, tuxedos, apps, seating charts, registries, invitations, vendors, family expectations, budgets, and timelines all demand attention.
The engagement season can be beautiful, but it can also become exhausting. Couples sometimes spend so much energy preparing for the wedding that they forget to prepare for the marriage.
Once the wedding is over, there is relief. The event is behind you. The pictures are coming. The thank-you notes are waiting. Real life begins again.
Then couples discover something else. The year after the wedding is often spent catching up on everything that got pushed aside during the engagement season. Family is still family. Work is still work. Bills still arrive. Life keeps coming. The beauty of marriage is that now you face life together.
That is why zeal matters. A couple needs energy for the life they are building, not only the event they are planning.
Let Your Hope Make You Glad.
Hope is a future-oriented word.
Hope helps a couple live through the present because they believe tomorrow can be better. A hopeful couple can endure a lot. They can face difficulty, stress, delays, setbacks, disappointments, and uncertainty because they still believe God is at work and the story is moving somewhere.
When couples lose hope, relationships become very hard to repair. Hopelessness says, “This will never change.” Hope says, “This is hard, but it is not over.” Hopelessness shuts down conversation. Hope creates space for another attempt. Hopelessness turns a season into a sentence. Hope remembers that God is still able to redeem, restore, guide, and strengthen.
Engaged couples need hope because the wedding season will bring obstacles. Married couples need hope because life will bring seasons no one planned for. Hope does not pretend everything is easy. Hope keeps looking toward the future with faith.
A couple with hope has strength.
Be Patient in Times of Trouble.
Just getting a couple to the wedding can be a classic example of patience.
Every aisle is paved with obstacles. Some are small. Some are funny later. Some are not funny at all. A venue changes policies. A vendor falls through. A family member creates tension. Money gets tight. Work gets busy. Someone gets sick. Travel gets complicated. The guest list becomes a diplomatic crisis. The couple quickly learns that planning a wedding requires patience.
That is not wasted work.
The wedding process becomes a training ground for marriage. The way a couple handles stress during engagement often reveals how they will handle stress after the wedding. Do they turn toward each other or against each other? Do they listen? Do they ask for help? Do they apologize? Do they recover after conflict? Do they know how to make decisions together?
Marriage will bring challenges beyond anything the wedding season can fully prepare you for. Still, every moment of patience during engagement helps build the muscles you will need later.
Patience is not passive. Patience is strength under pressure.
Never Stop Praying.
We could almost stop there.
For many couples, prayer is an interesting concept. Some couples pray together easily. Others feel awkward. Some are deeply religious. Some are not sure what they believe. Some grew up around prayer but have never prayed out loud with another person. Some want prayer to be part of the marriage but do not know where to begin.
Prayer can be a powerful tool in marriage.
Counselors and researchers suggest that prayer has positive benefits. One study examines the role of prayer in helping couples, even introducing prayer as a significant counseling tool. [2] Counselors recognize that it is hard to argue with your spouse if you are, at the same time, praying for them. Prayer helps people regain perspective, shifting the focus from themselves back to the relationship. It also helps calm people or the situation. Through prayer, they can continue the discussion in a way without actually talking to each other.
Prayer can remind us to continue certain behaviors or stop others. Simply put, prayer is a beacon of hope for a relationship.
Take Care of God's Needy People and Welcome Strangers into Your Home.
Romans 12 ends this section by moving love outward. That matters because one of the hallmarks of today’s generation is the desire for meaning. People want purpose. They are not only looking for jobs. They want their work to matter. They want their lives to make a difference.
That desire translates into marriage too. Does your marriage have a purpose?
A marriage cannot be only about the individual, and it cannot even be only about the couple. A healthy marriage eventually becomes a blessing beyond itself. What are you doing together for other people? How are you serving? How are you giving? How are you practicing hospitality? How are you using your home, time, money, gifts, and energy to bless someone else?
Volunteer together at your local church or nonprofit. Serve meals. Help with a community project. Visit someone who is lonely. Support missions. Build something with Habitat for Humanity. Give generously. Make room in your budget for charity. Open your home to friends, neighbors, family, church members, or someone who needs a place at the table.
Your day-to-day problems often feel smaller when you are serving someone else. Making a difference might actually make the difference in your marriage.
Use the Blueprint
Romans 12 gives couples a blueprint.
Let love be genuine. Know what is good and hold tightly to it. Build mutual affection. Outdo one another in honor. Keep your energy for the life you are building. Practice hope. Be patient when trouble comes. Keep praying. Serve others. Open your home. These are big concepts, so take them one at a time.
A blueprint does not build the house by itself. Someone still has to do the work. The same is true in marriage. A beautiful passage of Scripture does not automatically create a beautiful marriage. The couple has to build with it. They have to return to it, practice it, pray through it, and let it shape the way they speak, decide, forgive, plan, serve, and love.
The marriage is the building, and Romans 12 gives you the blueprint. Use it, and get to work.
[1] Michele Solis, "Oxytocin, the love hormone, also keeps people apart," Scientific American (2013),https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/oxytocin-love-hormone-keeps-people-apart/#:~:text=Oxytocin%2C%20the%20so%2Dcalled%20love,early%20stages%20of%20romantic%20love.
[2] S. R. Beach et al., "Prayer and marital intervention: A conceptual framework," Journal of Social Clinical Psychology 27, no. 7 (September 2008): 641-69.
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