Wedding Vows and Personal Statements

December 02, 2022•13 min read

How to Choose or Write Your Wedding Vows

One of the most significant decisions a couple must make about their ceremony concerns the vows. Sharing vows and saying, “I do,” are what everyone comes to see and hear. Much of the ceremony falls on the officiant, but all eyes and ears are on the couple for these two parts. It should be both personal and meaningful.

Much of the ceremony falls on the officiant. The message and the flow of the ceremony all belong to the person leading the service. But during the “I do” and the vows, all eyes and ears are on the couple. As I write this, I have personally officiated more than 1,800 wedding ceremonies. Sometimes, while the groom and I are waiting for the wedding to begin, I ask if he is nervous. The answer varies. Occasionally, the groom asks me if I ever get nervous. My answer is usually no.

When I was just getting started, before WeddingChaplain.com existed, I did get nervous every once in a while. Back then, I mostly performed weddings at smaller venues like churches, parks, gardens, and community spaces. Now I feel like a seasoned veteran. But there was one wedding early in my career that taught me a lesson I have never forgotten.

The Biggest Wedding I Had Ever Seen

It was the biggest wedding I had ever seen or imagined.

The ceremony took place at one of Atlanta’s most famous country clubs. The guest list had more than 400 people. This was the top shelf of the top shelf. Most of the men wore tuxedos, and many of the women wore hats. There was a trained peacock walking around the property, because apparently that is a thing at certain levels of society. It looked like the dinner party before the Kentucky Derby, complete with butlers, ice sculptures, string quartets, and silver trays. It was “The Great Gatsby goes to a wedding.” The ceremony was held in a gazebo just off the tee box of the first hole on a beautiful fall evening, with warm, clear Southern skies. It was a storybook setting.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I spoke with the couple about their ceremony. They mentioned they wanted to write their own vows. I said that would be fine. Then they said they wanted the vows to be a secret. They did not want to share them with each other or with me ahead of time. I had not done many ceremonies at that point, and I wanted to appear confident and experienced, so I said, “Sure, no problem.” That was a mistake.

The ceremony unfolded exactly as the couple had planned. Everything was beautiful. They both answered, “I do.” Then I explained that the couple had chosen to write personal vows and that the bride would go first. At that moment, they both pulled out scrolls. Actual rolled-up parchment paper. I remember thinking, “Wow, this is going to be epic.”

The bride unrolled her scroll, choked back a tear, took a deep breath, and began to read what she had written. It was beautiful, thoughtful, heartfelt, and authentic. She did a wonderful job making it through, although many in the congregation, including her mother and grandmother, did not. They started crying almost immediately.

It was moving.

Then it was the groom’s turn. He unrolled his scroll, stood confidently, looked at his bride, and said: “You are hot.”

There was a second or two of silence before he continued.

“And you are also cool.”

That was it. He rolled up the scroll.

The bride was stunning. Her dress was beautiful. Her hair and makeup reflected hours of care and preparation. In one sense, “hot” may have been an accurate description. But after his vow, she became hot in another sense. Her face turned red hot. Her mother and grandmother appeared to reach the same temperature.

The groomsmen, however, thought this was incredible. They grunted, laughed, and gave each other fist bumps. Other family members also made fists, although theirs did not appear congratulatory.

They exchanged rings. They kissed. I pronounced them husband and wife. The wedding party walked out with the couple, and I dismissed the congregation toward the cocktail hour. When I rejoined the wedding party, I heard things no one wants to hear from a spouse, especially on the wedding day. And, by the way, they are still married.

That story is one of my favorites, but it also changed the way I talk to couples about vows. If you want to write your own vows, let the minister read them first.

The “I Do,” and the Vows Are Different

Couples often place the “I do” and the vows in the same mental category, but they serve different purposes in the ceremony. The “I do” question is the public and legal part of the wedding ceremony. As the officiant, I ask some version of the question, “Do you take this man?” or “Do you take this woman?” Each person answers, “I do.”

Technically, I can perform a wedding in about a minute. If I ask the required question, each person answers, and the legal requirements are met, the couple can be married.

The “I do” is public. You say it in front of the minister, your family, your friends, your witnesses, and, in a religious ceremony, before God and the church.

The vows are different. The vows are spoken to each other. Everyone else is listening, but the vows belong to the couple. It is almost as if the ceremony creates a cone of silence around the bride and groom. The guests are present, but the words are aimed at one person. Your vows are your promises to your husband or wife.

That distinction helps couples understand the weight of the moment. The “I do” tells everyone gathered that you are entering marriage. The vows tell each other how you intend to live inside that marriage.

Reciting Vows or Writing Vows

The first big question is whether you want to recite traditional vows or write your own. This requires vision and self-awareness.

What do you imagine that moment feeling like? Do you want the beauty of traditional language, where you repeat words that generations of couples have said before you? Do you want to write personal promises in your own words? Do you want both?

You also need to consider your comfort level with speaking in front of people. Public speaking is one of the most common fears. The fear of dying comes in second to the idea of talking in front of people. Now add the nervousness of a wedding, standing in front of your friends and family, and the person you love standing directly in front of you. That moment can feel intense.

For some people, reading personal vows is meaningful and natural. For others, repeating after the officiant is all they can manage, and that is perfectly fine. A vow does not become more meaningful because it is longer or more original. A vow becomes meaningful because it is true.

Religion, Tradition, and Creativity

Wedding vows sit at the intersection of religion, tradition, and creativity. If you are getting married in a church, synagogue, cathedral, or within a particular religious tradition, your vows may already be prescribed. Some traditions have specific language the couple is expected to use.

When you have options, you can think through several questions:

How religious do we want the vows to be?
How traditional do we want the vows to sound?
Will we say the same vow or different vows?
Will we repeat after the officiant, read from vow books, or memorize them?
Will we include a personal statement before traditional vows?
How much humor fits the moment?
Do we want the officiant to review the vows ahead of time?

Many couples choose a hybrid approach. They write a short personal statement to each other and then recite a traditional vow. That can be a beautiful balance. The personal statement gives the moment your voice, and the traditional vow gives the moment structure, gravity, and history.

Use Humor Carefully

Humor can be wonderful in a wedding ceremony. It lowers nerves. It helps guests relax. It can keep a nervous bride or groom from passing out, which I say from experience. In the rare moments when someone starts to wobble, humor can help everyone breathe again. I use it frequently, just to keep the emotions down. But humor in vows needs to be handled with care.

Know the venue. Know your family. Know your fiancé. Know yourself.

A joke that works beautifully in a rustic barn venue may land awkwardly in a cathedral. A joke that sounds funny to your friends may feel embarrassing to your spouse. A joke that works at the reception may feel strange during the vows. The main rule is simple: never use your vows to make fun of your partner.

You can be light. You can be warm. You can be playful. You can even mention something funny, such as your shared love of tacos, dogs, football, or the fact that one of you takes forty minutes to choose a Netflix show. Just make sure that humorous statement takes you somewhere deeper. Vows are timeless. Humor is often tied to the moment. When you look back on your vows thirty years from now, choose words you will still be glad you said.

Please don't make fun of the process

There is a trend among couples to celebrate their wedding by making fun of the wedding. To be unique, they downplay or poke fun at the day's official nature. I get it. Sometimes, we put too much on the day and the traditions. In reality, nothing magical happens on a wedding day. Who you are today will be the same tomorrow; so why take it too seriously?

On the other hand, I have heard people use the vows as a creative time for jokes. For example, “I promise to put the toilet seat down.” “I promise to let you watch football on either Saturday or Sunday… but not both.” These work in small doses. Use jokes in a personal statement, and hopefully, the humor leads you to say something more grounded. Vows are timeless; humor is context. When you reflect on your vows thirty years from now, how do you want that moment to be remembered?

Personal Statements and Vows

When couples say they want to write their own vows, many are picturing a personal statement. A personal statement usually says, “Here is what I love about you. Here is what our story has meant to me. Here is why I am standing here today.”

A vow says, “Here is what I promise to do or be.”

Both can belong in the ceremony, but they are not exactly the same. A personal statement looks back and speaks from the heart. A vow looks forward and makes promises. The best personal vows often do both, but the promises should be clear.

If you write your own vows, include actual vows. You might say:

“I promise to listen to you.”
“I promise to be faithful to you.”
“I promise to choose you in joy and sorrow.”
“I promise to forgive and seek forgiveness.”
“I promise to build a life with you.”

Your love story matters, but the promises form the covenant. Your promises are the vow.

Keep the Story in Its Proper Place

Your vows are probably not the best place to tell your whole love story. The officiant may already share part of your story earlier in the ceremony. Your guests may hear more at the reception through speeches and toasts. Your wedding website, rehearsal dinner, and photo displays may also tell pieces of the story. However, during the vows, your fiancé is standing in front of you. Speak to that person.

You can reference your story, but the focus should be your promise. The guests are listening, but they are witnesses. The vows are for your husband or wife.

Avoid Comparisons

Every couple is unique, and every relationship has its own story. That is part of what makes weddings beautiful. Still, be careful about language that suggests your love is greater than everyone else’s love, or that no one has ever experienced what the two of you have. Sitting in the congregation may be couples who have been married thirty, forty, fifty, or sixty years. Honor your relationship without turning it into a competition.

The goal is to say something true about the person in front of you. You do not need to elevate your relationship by diminishing anyone else’s. It is also wise to avoid references to past relationships. Your wedding vows are focused on the person you are marrying and the life you are beginning together.

Keep Inside Jokes Inside

Inside jokes can be fun, but they can also make everyone else feel like they missed something. A small reference can be sweet. A vow built around private jokes, nicknames, stories, and coded language can be confusing for guests and distracting in the moment. Use discretion. The vows should sound personal without requiring explanation.

Say Something, But Do Not Say Everything

Wedding ceremonies usually last somewhere around twenty-five to thirty minutes. I have seen ceremonies go over an hour, and I have seen ceremonies last five minutes. I try to be Goldilocks: long enough to matter, short enough to keep everyone with us. With that in mind, vows need to be focused.

Wedding time is different. Four or five minutes can feel much longer during a ceremony than it feels in your living room. You may think you have written something short, but once you add emotion, pauses, laughter, tears, and microphone nerves, the moment expands. Just remember, you have the rest of your life to say everything. For the wedding ceremony, say something meaningful, honest, and focused.

Let Someone Review Them

Please let your officiant review your vows if you are writing your own. This does not mean the officiant needs to edit your thoughts. It means someone experienced should make sure the vows are balanced in length, tone, and appropriateness. We are just trying to protect you and the moment.

The couple does not need to read each other’s vows ahead of time, but someone should know whether one person wrote a heartfelt page and the other person wrote, “You are hot. And you are also cool.” That is the kind of surprise no one needs twice.

What Will You Remember?

The wedding day is special, but much of it becomes a blur. You may remember what the officiant said. You may remember a toast, a song, or a moment on the dance floor. You may remember the food, the flowers, or the weather. You will almost certainly remember your vows.

Whether you choose traditional vows, personal vows, or a combination of both, choose words that carry weight. Choose words you can live with. Choose words you can return to. Choose words that help you begin marriage with clarity, sincerity, and love.

Download the Free Wedding Vows Packet

Want examples before you decide? I created a Wedding Vows Packet with a collection of traditional, religious, and nondenominational vow options couples can use or adapt for their ceremony.

The packet includes:

Traditional Protestant vows
Presbyterian vows
Methodist vows
Episcopal vows
Catholic vows
Quaker vows
Unitarian vows
Nondenominational vows
“I do” question formats
Several simple vow options for couples who want something clear and meaningful