Marriage Is More Than Staying Together

My favorite Biblical wedding reading is Romans 12:9-10. I try to work it into every ceremony I perform. I love what it says (and it's not 1 Corinthians 13, which seems to be read at every wedding). The Apostle Paul wrote numerous passages about love, but this is one of my favorites. So, Romans 12:9-10 reads:

Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord.

This conveys a great deal about what I hope for a couple’s future. What will you need to be successful as a couple? Your love for each other must be genuine and sincere. There isn't love at first sight. Authentic love is not instantaneous; it develops over time. It is not infatuation or anything like that. It is a strong and patient process. Your love must grow and mature. Mutual affection means being one in spirit and purpose. If a relationship is one-sided, then it is not a relationship.

Paul encourages us to have a servant's heart, to have an unselfish determination to serve others. And when couples choose to serve others together unselfishly, they experience peace, contentment, and a deeper bond that strengthens their marriage. He then challenges us to outdo each other in honor. Marriage is a competition of service. Who can outserve the other? How wonderful it would be if the couple tried to outlove and out-honor each other, to live a life of service to each other. That is a wonderful thing.

Paul then tells us not to lag behind or lose zeal in spirit. Simply put, don’t let life wear you out. The couple needs to pause, take a look at the view. Marriage is a journey, but not one that is plodding along with grit and determination. If all we focus on is getting there, we won’t enjoy the journey. It is the moments of fun and zeal that make the difference in taking the next step forward. Take a moment to notice how far you've come as a couple. Celebrate that with each other, in big and small ways. When I speak with engaged couples, I emphasize the importance of not letting the engagement season wear you out. Focus on both the relationship and the planning simultaneously.

Now, I usually stop there in the ceremony. The passage speaks well to where a couple stands on their wedding day. To say much more on the wedding day or the weeks leading up to it is futile. Couples don’t have the bandwidth to absorb anything else. There is a season when the couple needs to focus solely on each other. And that is ok. Especially on wedding day, it can just be about them. But soon after the wedding, the couple returns to everyday life and has to answer the question, “What now?” It cannot just be about them from this point forward. Paul continues:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers.

Paul continues the idea of sacrifice and service, but broadens the circle a little. What does serving others have to do with us as a couple? Everything! Serving each other in marriage is a template for serving others. Having a servant’s heart does not stay in the marriage. It can’t. Couples that serve each other well will serve others well. I recommend that couples find something they can participate in together. As a minister, my first recommendation is to get involved in a local church. However, even for those not connected to a church, finding an organization or cause they both believe in is a good option.

Marriage has to be more than just the two of you. You did not get together just to be together. You got together to become something, to build something, and to serve beyond yourselves.

Ultimately, it's not about you as an individual or as a couple. It's about others – the poor, those in need. Serving others not only strengthens your marriage and your family, but it also has a ripple effect on your church, your community, and the world. Whenever you serve others, you have the power to change lives. Some serve through hospitality. Some serve through foster care, adoption, mentoring, coaching, volunteering, teaching, giving, opening their home, helping neighbors, supporting a cause, or showing up faithfully for family and friends.

Some will deliver meals or lead a small group. Some will quietly write checks. Some will teach their children how to care about people who cannot give anything back.

Purpose looks different in every marriage, but the question is worth asking: What do we do better together than we could do apart?

Every year, my wife and I lead a group to work with Disaster Rebuilders- Fuller Center for Housing. And it is just what it sounds like. We visit areas recovering from hurricanes and spend a week doing construction work. Houston, North Carolina, Puerto Rico. It’s not flashy, but it is incredibly fulfilling to work side by side with your spouse. We are doing an act of kindness while also building our relationship. While we hate seeing pictures of disasters on the news when an area is hit during the Fall hurricane season, we both look at each other and realize where the following summer will find us.

But there is something deeply meaningful about serving side by side with your spouse. You are doing an act of kindness while also strengthening your own relationship. You are helping someone else rebuild, and somehow your own marriage gets built up in the process.

There is an intimacy that comes from shared service. You see each other differently when you are working together for someone else’s good. You learn patience, cooperation, and humility. You learn that love is not only something you feel across a dinner table. Love is also something you practice while carrying drywall, making sandwiches, praying with someone, cleaning up a mess, or helping a family take the next step forward.

Serving together turns a couple outward.

That is important because couples can become too inward. Every conversation becomes about the schedule, the budget, the house, the kids, the stress, the next decision, the next problem, and the next task. Those things matter, but a marriage can shrink when the couple has no shared mission beyond managing their own life. Serving others gives the marriage a wider horizon.

It reminds the couple that their love has a purpose. It gives their relationship somewhere to go. It also gives context to sacrifice. When a couple has a shared mission, hard seasons do not feel quite as random. This also becomes a powerful model for children. Children learn service by watching it. They learn generosity because they see generosity. They learn compassion because they see compassion. They learn that the world is larger than their own wants, because mom and dad live as if that were true. Service is caught long before it is taught.

When children watch their parents serve others, they learn that love is active. They learn that faith has hands and feet. They learn that a family can bless more than itself.

That is one of the reasons I love Romans 12 for couples. It refuses to let love stay sentimental. Paul gives us a picture of love that is genuine, honorable, energetic, prayerful, generous, hospitable, compassionate, humble, and peace-seeking. That is a big vision for marriage.

A couple can begin with a wedding, but the story cannot end at the altar. The wedding is the opening scene. The vows are the beginning of the work. The marriage becomes the place where love is practiced, tested, strengthened, and sent outward.

So, if you are engaged or newly married, talk about more than the wedding day. Talk about the marriage you want to build. Ask each other:

• What breaks our hearts?

• What energizes us when we do it together?

• Who do we want to help?

• What kind of hospitality could we offer?

• What is one small act of service we could try this month?

You do not have to solve every problem. Just take on some problems that are bigger than just you. Marriage is more than staying together. It is learning how to walk forward together. It is discovering how your gifts, stories, strengths, burdens, and hopes can become a blessing beyond your own home.

Paul says, “Let love be genuine.” One of the best ways to keep love genuine is to give it purpose.

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